June in Ten
by NobleLandMermaid
Summary: Had she gone through with marrying Roy, June 10th, 2016 would have been Pam's 10th wedding anniversary. How would the day have played out if things had gone differently? A collection of What-If scenarios (x-posted to MTT)
1. You Could Be Happy and I Won't Know

**1\. You Could Be Happy, and I Won't Know**

The alarm sounded off and Pam stretched to find the other side of the bed empty. Downstairs was lacking the usual morning ruckus and she wondered if he'd already taken the boys to school. She put on her glasses, wrapped herself in a robe and headed down to the kitchen.

"Surprise!" Pam nearly jumped and then laughed heartily as she was greeted by plate full of misshapen pancakes and four smiling faces.

"Mommy, I made you pancakes," her nine year old son proclaimed proudly.

"And I poured the juice," added her seven year old.

"And I poured a little something extra in there," Roy said with a wink, putting champagne bottle in the refrigerator and then walking towards Pam. "Happy Anniversary, babe." he said before giving her a kiss and rubbing her arm, and they both smiled as the two older boys loudly protested the display of affection. The youngest was already sitting at the table, all his attention on a paper he was coloring.

Roy leaned into her and started in a low tone, "Don't worry, Kenny's gonna pick the boys up from school and I'm treating you something way nicer than half-cooked pancakes tonight."

"You better," Pam joked back. With a dimpled smile on his face he tickled her side before turning and instructing the boys to each grab a plate and couple pancakes.

Roy was right, the pancakes were mushy in the middle, half-burnt on the edges, and only edible when smothered in syrup. Pam loved them all the same.

It was rocky at the beginning of their marriage; five months after their wedding (and two months after she found out she was pregnant) Dunder-Mifflin Scranton was closed. A few co-workers headed to Stamford, Connecticut but most were laid off, Pam and Roy included. Thankfully Bob Vance took on the warehouse staff and Phyllis convinced Bob to hire Pam as an office manager.

Two years after the first son came the second, then they tried for a girl but got a third son two years after that. Bob let her work part time and the rest of the time she was devoted to her boys, driving them to lessons, attending little league games, helping with homework, wondering when grade-schoolers got such busy lives.

After polishing off a couple pancakes that were more crescent-shaped than round, Roy stood, giving all the boys a quick hair-tussle and telling Pam he was off to work, leaving her to enjoy her sons' homemade breakfast then getting everyone ready and driving them to school.

The second Pam pulled to the curb in front of their school, two older boys jumped out of the car, giving a quick "Bye Mom!" before bounding off to their groups of friends. They were their father's sons through and through: bright blue eyes and blond hair, both big for their age and already playing several sports each.

Pam came around the car to help the youngest out of his booster seat. Once he was out of the car he opened his backpack and pulled out a paper. "This is for you, Mommy," he said, handing Pam a card she noticed him working on at breakfast.

She opened the card to a crayon drawing of the family. The two older boys inherited Roy's athleticism but the youngest got her artistic streak, always coloring and drawing. She already made a deal with herself to give him all the art supplies he wanted and all the encouragement he needed when he gets older. She smiled to see her stick-figure-self holding her youngest's hand. "Thank you, sweetheart," she said, kneeling to hug him.

He stepped back and grinned at her with bright green eyes, his floppy hair that's a bit darker than his brothers covering his forehead. "I love you, Mommy."

Sometimes when he smiled at her, she felt a small ache in her chest, thinking about someone that she used to know. "I love you, too."

Another hug and then he took off towards the school doors, turning to give Pam a big wave before walking in and disappearing from view.

She checked her watch and what's normally a quick glance became a long gaze at the silver face and links that made the band. Ten years and she still remembered the feeling of hands enveloping hers, fingers tracing this very watch band before slipping away from her grasp.

A car horn sounded in the distance, and Pam snapped her head up to see she was just about the only person left in front of the school. She slowly circled back to the driver's side, and once the seat belt was buckled and the car was started she rested her hand under her clavicle. The small ache had become dull and faint, it always did, and soon it wouldn't be noticeable at all.

But she knew it never fully went away.

* * *

 _if you love Office and JAM, join us at mttjustonce dot net_


	2. Take a glorious bite

**2\. Take a glorious bite out of the whole world**

"Jim I really appreciate you coming with me to this, you didn't have to."

Jim tossed a quick smile over to the passenger seat before looking back to the road. "Of course, what's my alternative with you in the city anyway? Chinese take-out and Netflix solo?"

Allison laughed and thumbed through the notes in her lap, "That sounds better to me than pretending to be interested in the latest installment of _The Night Detective_ by Finn McQuinn." Allison worked as an editor at a small publishing imprint and had been roped into monitoring a panel of authors with summer releases this evening in Manhattan.

"Finn McQuinn?" Jim said with a scoff.

"Penname," explained Allison.

"Yeah, I figured as much but I though the point of a penname was to pick something cool and memorable, not rhyming and ridiculous." Jim glanced over to Allison's paper. "Any other winners?"

"The other authors have pretty normal names. Though one book is called _The Horse Flyer_."

"That's... interesting." Jim said.

Allison rolled her eyes, brushing her long auburn bangs to the side, "Everyone tried to get Pam to name it something else but she insisted. It's a good book, they're marketing it as young adult because that's the fad, but it's more middle-grade. Has really nice illustrations which you just never see anymore."

Jim tightened his grip on the steering wheel, hearing that name paired with "illustration" was like pressing on an old bruise he forgot he still had. The date wasn't helping matters either. Ten years ago this day he was drinking alone in a still mostly-empty apartment in Stamford, watching baseball and futilely attempting to not think about anything happening 150 miles west of him. He was almost able to pretend the whole event never occurred, at least until Michael emailed him pictures and he saw her, smiling and dancing, more beautiful than he ever imagined in white satin and lace. He wanted to email Michael back and ask stupid questions like if there was any hesitancy during her vows, if anyone mentioned his name and if there was any hint of sadness on her face.

He deleted the email instead.

Not five months later Dunder Mifflin Stamford was closed. Jan offered Jim good money to head back to Scranton as the Assistant Manager. Josh made him a counter-offer: come to the regional Staples office with him and make a little less but have more potential to grow (and less potential of seeing certain people). Jim picked Staples. He lasted all of eight months before getting sick of the corporate politics and the backstabbing co-workers who took full advantage of his easy-going nature, Josh included.

After Staples, he started working at a local bicycle shop for an hourly wage. Things were lean for a while but he at least never left work feeling drained and defeated, either professionally or personally. Now he was a store manager, poised to take over ownership of the small bike shop whenever the founder decided to retire, hopefully in the next year or two.

Dating was weird for a long time, he didn't have trouble finding girlfriends but they never stuck around long. He heard the "afraid of commitment" line more than a few times, first from his co-worker Karen in their brief disaster of a relationship after Dunder Mifflin Stamford closed, then from every woman after. He met Allison at a bar of all places last year, her out celebrating getting an editor position at a book publisher. He asked her what exactly a book editor did and was instantly drawn to her enthusiastic explanation, how she had to slog through a lot of crap and deal with a lot of egos at her job but every so often she got to edit a hidden gem and it made it all worthwhile. _"Isn't that life though, just seeking out those little ... moments that make it all worth it?"_ Allison asked him that first night, her eyes bright and blue. Jim smiled and gave her a nod.

They strolled arm in arm into the Fifth Avenue Barnes & Noble, Allison walked off to the central area of the store where while Jim stayed near the front and perused the magazine aisles. Once he flipped through all the cycling and sports editions, he slowly made his way over to panel area, stopping in his tracks at at easel holding a promotional board. At the top was a head-shot of Finn McQuinn, trying to look far more mysterious and intriguing that the 40-something-year-old man with thinning hair that he was. Next was a glamour-shot of the other headliner, romance author Raquel Holiday. Below Finn and Raquel it said "Newcomer!" and he blinked several times before believing that it did actually say "Pamela Beesly", and that the photo below was her, her hair down in smooth curls, her eyes and her smile exactly matching his decade old memories.

"Would you like to buy a book for the signing after?" a young bookstore employee called to him, pulling Jim out of his trance. He walked to the table with three stacks and stopped in front of the pile of books with cover illustrations of curly haired girl flying on a snow-white pegasus, hills and a town that looked an awful lot like Scranton in the background. ' _The Horse Flyer_ ' was pasted on the top in a whimsical font.

"I'll take this one," Jim said.

The panel had already started and Jim took a seat in the back, purposely behind another tall man. He studied the cover of the book, trying not to think about why she went by "Beesly", probably used her maiden name as a penname since "Pamela Anderson" had obvious other connotations. Starting from the back he flipped though the book, mostly to look at the illustrations. He flashed to a lunch in the breakroom, long before transfers and weddings and casino nights, when she had brought in her sketchbook at his insistence, her face lighting up when he started gushing about her talent and skill. He reached the dedication page, reading the italic letters, "to everyone who encouraged me and helped me take a chance." It was a nice sentiment, he thought, a way to thank everyone and not have anyone feel left out.

At the front, Allison was seated next to a long table, and she had just gone down the line of authors asking everyone to describe their first publishing experience. When she reached Pam, there was a nervous laugh before Pam admitted that _The Horse Flyer_ was her first publishing experience. "We'll take it slow and gentle," Allison remarked.

"Yeah, I've heard that before," Pam quipped back and the audience laughed.

An audience member asked the authors when they came up with the lead characters for their books. Finn gave some clearly scripted explanation that the 'Night Detective' had been with him since childhood. Raquel Holiday was refreshingly honest and got a good laugh from the crowd when she said she just tries to make sure she's not using the same name as a previous heroine. Pam chewed her lip for a moment before speaking.

"When I came up with Becky, I was married to my high school sweetheart -"

Jim hoped his gulp wasn't audible when he heard the word "was".

"- I had been with him since I was 16 years old. And since I had been with him for so long I didn't how to ... not be with him. Even as I felt everything falling apart, I still didn't know how to leave. So I'd think back to being 16 again and what direction I could have gone. Of course I went through the realistic options, but then I started imagining the more fantastical, Narnia or Harry Potter type of stuff. I'm not even sure how it got to flying away on a pegasus, but that sounded pretty damn good to me about then so I went with it. And then quirky tenth-grader Becky Walters came into my life."

"And the husband? Is he still in your life?" Allison asked.

"Nope, not for five years," Pam said. She laughed, "In fact today would have been our 10th anniversary. But I think being here with my first book instead is a definite upgrade."

Jim smiled and clapped along with the rest of the audience.

The next question was about biggest obstacles in the authors' publishing journey. Finn and Raquel discussed getting passed rejection and finding an audience. As with her previous answer, Pam was more personal. "All my adult life I've gravitated strongly to what was sure and safe. It's what kept me from art school, kept me at a menial desk job, kept me in the aforementioned relationship too long. Making it as a writer and illustrator is about as unsure and unstable a career path as anything. But someone who was very dear to me once said 'you gotta take a chance on something sometime.'"

Jim snapped his head up, his heart suddenly working overtime.

"And I wish I could say I listened to him then but I didn't, I let... a lot of opportunities to be happy and fulfilled pass me by. In the end my biggest obstacle was myself." Jim bit his lip as he watched her cast her eyes down, silent as she seemed to be lost in thought for a moment. She then shook her head and smiled, "But I kept sketching and writing and when I finally got ready to submit my draft to agents, and the nagging 'this is going to get rejected' and 'this isn't any good, no one wants to read this' thoughts were running through my head I just pushed it to the back. The only thing I allowed myself to think was 'You gotta take a chance on something sometime" and really those words are what made me put my draft in the mail. And now, here I am."

After a couple more questions, Allison announced the end of the panel and asked everyone to give one last round of applause. Jim tucked the book under his arm and stood as he clapped, smiling when Pam's eyes finally met his. She stared at him stunned for a moment before a grin spread across her face.

The authors had a brief break before signing and Pam stood chatting with Allison, though Jim noticed her frequently glancing to him (not that he could exactly pull his eyes from her) as he slowly made his way to the area behind the panel table. Much as he wanted to go straight to Pam, he walked to Allison instead, placed his hand on the small of her back.

"Hi!" Allison greeted cheerfully, then turned back to Pam, "This is my poor boyfriend who was kind enough drive down with me tonight."

"Oh, stop, it's nothing, in fact I'm pretty happy I came," Jim looked to Allison, "Pam and I actually used to worked together."

Allison's eyes widened, "Oh wow, small world!"

A look Jim couldn't quite discern crossed Pam's face before turning into a smile, "Yeah, Jim was kind of the office prankster, a couple of the gnome's antics in the book were definitely inspired by him."

"Oh, you turned me into a gnome, huh?" Jim said with a smirk.

"He's tall for a gnome," Pam replied.

"So did you know back then you were working with such a talented artist?" Allison said to Jim.

Jim looked straight at Pam, "Yeah, I did actually."

Pam gave a small smile and quickly tried to hide her blushing cheeks.

Allison glanced over to where the separate book signing tables were, "Okay, I better show these kids how Finn and Raquel like their tables set up or I'll never hear the end of it. Pam, you have any bizarre requests for your table? A very specific brand of bottled water? Books stacked like a pyramid?"

Pam laughed and shook her head, then lowered her eyes when Allison gave Jim a quick kiss. After a moment Pam finally looked up Jim and smiled, "She's really great, I'm so happy I get to work with someone with her."

Jim nodded and gave a half smile, "Yeah, she's definitely dating down being with someone like me."

Pam gasped softly and her brows met, "Jim-"

"So, _The Horse Flyer_ ," Jim quickly started, showing her his copy.

"You bought one?"

"Of course, Pamela Beesly is about to be the next JK Rowling, I have to have a first edition."

Pam blushed once again and looked at her shoes.

"Really though, published author and illustrator... that's a big deal, Beesly." He ran his thumb over the cover before looking back to her. "I hope... I hope you're as proud of yourself as I am right now."

He couldn't help but notice her shiny eyes as she nodded.

"Okay everyone, the signing will start shortly, Finn, Raquel and Pam will all have separate queues, so please have your book copies ready and line up accordingly." Allison called out.

Pam pointed her thumb back over her shoulder. "I should -"

"Oh yeah, of course," Jim said. He then knitted his brows when she reached out her hand.

"I gotta sign your copy first, though," Pam said.

"Right," Jim said with a nervous chuckle and he handed her the book. She flipped through the first couple pages then set the book down on a nearby table and started to write.

"Here you go, hold on to this, it's a _signed_ first edition," Pam said, closing the book and placing it back in his hands.

"I'll buy a display case for it tomorrow," Jim joked. He looked at the line forming at her table. "Your adoring fans await."

Pam smiled and stepped forward, and before Jim knew it her arm was around his neck and her soft cheek was pressed to his.

"Thank you, Jim," she whispered. He close his eyes for a second, savoring the feeling of her breath on his ear, her soft lips pressed oh so briefly to his jaw. By the time his eyes opened she was several steps away, and he took a couple deep breaths before opening up the book and finding her autograph on the dedication page, smiling as he read the soft cursive letters.

 _Jim,_  
 _I finally took a chance._

 _Love,_  
 _Pam_

* * *

 _Love JAM? Join us at mttjustonce dot net_


	3. Most of what I remember makes me sure

**3\. Most of what I remember makes me sure**  
 _(For set up purposes, this chapter assumed everything up until Pam's Beach Day speech happened, but Jim and Pam's one-one-one at the beach and Pam's yogurt lid note did not.)_

* * *

Jim looked up the hill on the edge of the park nervously for what must have been the tenth time. It was actually Karen's idea to invite her to their picnic with a few of their friends and their friend's children. When Jim texted her an invite last week he hardly expected her to say yes. But Pam did and now Jim couldn't help but be anxious every time he looked up the hill.

A child's cry pulled Jim from his thoughts and when he heard the plaintive, drawn out "Where's Kitty?!" he realized it was _his_ child crying. He quickly circled the table and found Maria sitting, big fat tears being wiped away from her round cheeks by her mother.

"Jim, do you know where Kitty is?!" Karen was so drop-dead serious that Jim nearly laughed, but that was a one way ticket to the couch tonight. And she has a reason to be serious, Maria, their funny, adorable second child was also wildly emotional and things like misplacing her favorite toy could set her off for a solid hour.

"I'm sure she had it when we left, it must be in the car," Jim said. The car keys were in his hand instantly and Karen has wordlessly told him he needed to check right now.

In the distance, their seven-year-old Mason was tossing a frisbee with the other older children, so Jim started the trek to the parking lot solo. Climbing the small hill, he checked his phone for any messages, curious if she was lost or if she had decided to not come. This month actually marked nine years of him being in New York, a little over nine years since Jim had returned from his corporate interview with David Wallace. Pam was the first person he told: he had been offered the position and he thought he should take it.

Maybe without the year of miscommunication and miscues before his announcement, she would have realized he silently was asking her, begging her, for a reason not to go, to tell him exactly what she had meant by her beach day speech because he just couldn't handle being told he has misinterpreting things once again. Or maybe she did realize but in her Pam way just smiled a smile that never reached her eyes and said it was an amazing opportunity, she was happy for him, and hoped they would remain friends even with the distance. And they actually did; he chatted with her like old times when he visited Scranton, and she would text him occasionally with a silly, safe comment or observation.

Jim reached their hatchback and started rummaging in the back. Under the passenger's seat was Maria's stuffed kitty, once snow white but now a fairly uniform gray. He brushed some crumbs off Kitty and started back to the picnic.

"Excuse me," Jim smiled despite himself when he heard the soft voice, "can you direct us to the Halpert picnic?"

He turned and only let his eyes quickly flick up and down once but that was more than enough to see she was stunning in a white sundress dotted with little pink flowers, her hair loose and down, just brushing her bare shoulders. "It's really more the Filippelli picnic," Jim said, his gaze moving down her arm to a little hand belonging to an apple-cheeked boy. "Hey, Jackson, what's up little man?"

Jackson gave Jim a shy smile before hiding behind his mother's skirt. He had just turned three and had a mop of hair far darker than Pam's but did get her green eyes and shy but sweet temperament.

Jim's eyes returned to Pam as the three started down the park slope. "Where's Will?"

"Store run, the macaroni salad we brought from home was starting to turn."

"Can't have that," Jim said, noticing Pam looking at the furry critter in his hands. "Maria's kitty," he explained, "who she oh so cleverly named 'Kitty', she can't be without it."

"Ah yeah, only thing keeping this one from running off is I have his dinosaur toys in my purse."

"Oh, we're in the dino phase now?" Jim said, looking down to the little boy.

"Are we ever. Jackson, can you tell Jim what a dinosaur says?"

Jackson looked up to Jim, a mischievous grin he definitely inherited from his mother passing over his face before he took a breath and went, "Raaaaawwwwr!"

Jim's eyebrows shot up his forehead and he looked at Pam with a laugh, "Wow."

"Oh, thank god," a frazzled Karen said, jogging up to Jim. She took Kitty and then turned to Pam. "Hi Pam, I gotta get my daughter to stop crying before I lose my grip."

Karen rushed away and Pam gave Jim a quick smile before Jackson tugged her skirt as asked where his dinos were. She walked with him to the tarp laid out for everyone and began to get him set up.

About a year after he left Scranton for corporate, Pam started telling Jim about her interest in digital art and possibly doing a design program in New York. He of course encouraged her and pulled some strings to get her a part time job as she attended the Pratt Institute.

It was nice having Pam nearby again, dropping by each other's desks at work, occasionally having lunch together, though Jim would be lying if he said he didn't sometimes feel a little tug in his chest when he saw her, or that he never wondered about things being different if only he hadn't left Scranton and if only he never start dating Karen and if only he turned down the job at corporate and asked out Pam instead. _If only, if only._

But he was mostly about to convinced himself friendship was all he wanted and needed. And Pam did the same, always managing to keep things friendly and light. She even made an honest effort to befriend Karen and after Karen's skepticism of Pam subsided they started getting along very well. Jim often thought they would have been the closest of friends if things were different.

Of course, Jim and Karen were having their own issues that had nothing to do with Pam (well, mostly). Moving in together made it all the more clear their interests were different. They only ever seemed to start discussing what they really wanted in life after several drinks and those life plans didn't seem very compatible: she wanted the NYC life, hip restaurants and gallery opening, he saw nothing wrong with a movie and some pizza as a Manhattan date. He knew he wanted kids, at least two, she see-sawed between kids in five year or maybe 10 or maybe not at all.

The fights, which there were more of in New York than Scranton, started becoming common until they stopped and then all communication was distant and impersonal. Jim marveled at how Karen could still put on a happy face on lunches with Pam and at company events then not say two words to each other on the way home. At night they still occasionally reached for each other, but it felt like a last ditch effort to find that connection that Jim wondered if they ever actually had.

One Monday, Karen left a note one day saying she was staying with a friend and she'd figure something more permanent by the end of the month. Jim knew he should have been upset or angry, but all he felt was relief. That Friday he received a text from Pam asking when she can expect them to be in Brooklyn for dinner. It was a plan they had set a couple weeks prior and Jim nearly text back that they couldn't make it, but instead he simply said "7pm".

They met at the corner of the Pratt campus and Pam's wide smile quickly faded to concern when she saw Karen was not with him. He initially fibbed, saying Karen was kept very late by a work thing and may join them for drinks later. Halfway into dinner he confessed that Karen had left him. Pam was sweet, offering a sympathetic ear through dinner, a cocktail after, and the walk back to student housing where he saw her listed on her door as a "residential advisor."

"So there's no drinking in the dorms," Pam said, unlocking the deadbolt and waltzing into her decently sized room. Jim hesitated for a second before crossing the threshold, and Pam walked over to a mini-fridge, "but I won't tell the RA if you don't." She turned back to him with a Coke can in one hand and a couple rum shooters in the other.

"This room is pretty nice, Beesly." He sat on the bed as Pam mixed up a couple drinks on the top of her dresser. She took a seat next to him, and they 'clicked' their plastic cups together and start to sip the fizzy sweet drink.

"I'm really sorry about Karen," Pam said quietly.

"Yeah," Jim said. He stared at his shoes and took a breath. "Do you ... do you ever think about how different things would be if you just made a little change? Like picked a different college or found a different job or ... "

"Or dumped a good-for-nothing fiance when you should have? Yeah, thoughts like that sometimes cross my mind." Pam said with a forced laugh.

Jim looked up to Pam and watched her smile fade before she started studying the bubbles in her glass.

"But, you can't change the past, you just have now and a hope that what you do now might help shape the future." Jim watched her intently until she finally lifted her head and made eye contact. "What?" she said, smile dancing on her lips.

"That was just . . . very poignant, Pam," Jim replied. He watched her for another moment, his hand lifting to start playing with one of her curls. Her breath hitched and her eyes darted between his hand. He took the cup from her and set it along with his own on her nightstand. With both hands now free, he turned back and placed them on either side of her face, tilting his head and leaning in until their lips finally touched.

She tasted like sugar and something slightly fruity, and when he gently parted her lips with his tongue it was like a shot of rum, a warmth rushing down his chest to his toes then back up to his belly. There was pull on his neck and soon he was lying on the bed with Pam underneath him. They kissed and kissed, his hand traveling down her neck, brushing the side of her breast and then settling in the dip of her waist.

A buzz came from his jeans and Jim was almost worried this was all a dream and that buzz was his alarm clock. "Is that a phone vibrating in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Pam said quietly and Jim laughed.

"Um, probably both," he replied, her soft giggle making him feel every bit as fuzzy as their cocktails. He reached into his pocket, looked at the screen and his face must have fallen because Pam instantly inquired if it was Karen. "Yeah." He hit silent and tossed the phone somewhere on the bed by their feet. "I'm focusing on the 'now' currently."

Pam giggled again and accepted a few more kisses from Jim before stating she needed to use the restroom. He groaned in protest but sat back up, watching Pam sit up and cross the room, giving him a smirk before closing the door behind her.

The phone started vibrating again, and Jim looked to see Karen's name scroll across. He silenced it, then reached for his rum and coke. The phone buzzed after a moment, a "new message icon' now flashing. It was Friday night and he was sure Karen was calling him drunk and lonely, but he figured he should make sure nothing was wrong. With an eye on the bathroom door he hit "play message."

 _"Hey Jim."_ No hint of intoxication in her slightly smoky voice, she was sober and definitely nervous. _"I, um, I suppose I should wait to actually talk to you but a message is easier I think. I saw the doctor Wednesday and ... I'm pregnant."_

The oxygen seemed to leave the room and Jim started taking short shallow breaths.

 _"And you know this is definitely not how I wanted things but . . . but I'm going to keep it. This is going to sound insincere but I don't want you to feel obligated, I really don't. But if you do want to be involved, in some way or another ... that would be good. Okay, um, please call me back soon."_

Jim dropped the phone back onto the bed, and finished off the the plastic cup of rum and coke in his other hand. He only briefly look at Pam as she came out of the bathroom all smiles, practically skipping to the bed and taking a seat by him.

He was not proud of it, and it was definitely not right, but he let Pam's fingers travel up his jaw and turn his face, let her brush his nose with hers, let her lips give his a couple kisses before he broke away. She looked to him and he felt a sting behind his eyes.

"Karen's pregnant," he said in a whisper. "She just found out. She said she doesn't want me to feel obligated but..." He looked to her, watched her press her lips together and nod. "Pam..." he started, his hand reaching over to touch her face, his lips ready to say that it didn't matter, that he'll do whatever it took for them to be together.

But she took his hand with her own and pulled it down to her lap. "It's okay, it really is," Pam said. Her eyes traveled to their hands, her small, pale fingers intertwined with his. "You should probably head home."

He knew this would be her reaction, that she would immediately steer him to do the right thing. That didn't make it hurt any less. He asked if she would walk him to the subway and she agreed.

She let him hold her hand the whole walk, and when they reached a green railing and a set of stairs he turned to her. He wanted to kiss her one last time but he hugged her instead. "I'm sorry." he said, his lips grazing her cheek.

"I'll be okay," she whispered, her breath tickling his ear. "I already know how to let you go, Jim."

Now calmed by the reacquisition of Kitty, Maria wandered over to Pam and Jackson on the tarp, shyly watching Jackson walk his dino figurines around until Jackson offered one to her. Maria giggled and Jim couldn't help but scoff when Kitty was discarded for a plastic triceratops.

Karen also witnessed Kitty being tossed carelessly behind Maria, she looked to Jim and gave him a shrug then walked over and put her arm around Jim's waist. Their relationship was a little strange for the first few month of her first pregnancy, more like friends who just happened to be having a baby together than a couple. But something changed in Karen, the meticulous planner who liked to analyze everything started embracing the unexpected, her cynical nature giving way to something a little sweeter and optimistic. They finally found something in common in their little boy Mason and as Jim put it, they were pretty awesome at parenting together. And they decided they weren't so bad at being together either. When she found out she was pregnant again, it wasn't any more planned than the first pregnancy but it was something they were ready to take on together.

"Hey Jim," Jim turned to see a dark haired man, a bit shorter than he, walking up with a plastic tub of store bought macaroni salad.

"Hey Will," Jim extended his hand and gave Will's a firm shake. "Thanks for coming up, I know Brooklyn to Connecticut is a pain."

"Oh, no, Pam was talking about this all week, traffic was not a concern. Hi, Karen," Will replied, giving Karen a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey," Karen said, taking the plastic tub from him, "Okay, food will be served in ten minutes."

Walking over to help Karen set up, Jim could see Will approaching Pam and Jackson on the tarp, and Jim told himself he was just suffering a bit of heartburn as Will leaned down to give Pam a quick peck on the lips.

Pam met Will at Pratt, where he was an assistant professor in her modern art history class. Will noticed her the first week of class and decided she has the prettiest smile he had ever seen (an opinion Jim would concur with). He kept his distance but the moment the grades for the semester were turned in he emailed her and asked her to coffee and she accepted.

"I wouldn't have if I knew he had given me a B!" Pam would retort when he told this story.

Will and Pam were good together, funny and artsy. Once Mason was old enough for Jim and Karen to have some kind of social life again they went on double dates often and it was always a good time, and not long after Karen and Jim started telling friends she was pregnant again, Pam announced her own not-totally-planned pregnancy.

It was fine, Jim always told himself. She was happy with her life, he was happy with his and they still were friends. But it was hard not to feel like he lost her a little bit with every life event. She may have known how to let him go but he wasn't sure knew how to truly do the same with her.

When everyone was seated for lunch, Jim and Pam ended up next to each other. Karen walked around the table with a cola bottle in one hand and iced tea in the other. When she reach Pam, Pam clutched her water glass, "I'm off caffeine right now, sadly."

"No caffeine? What, you get knocked up again?" Karen said jokingly as she poured the soda for Jim. Pam shrugged and smiled and Karen's jaw dropped, "Oh my God, are you?"

"I'm due on Christmas," Pam said with grin. Karen squealed and set down the pitchers down quickly to give Pam a big hug. Karen turned to Will for a hug, and Pam looked to Jim.

"That's a pretty awesome Christmas present, Beesly," Jim said, keeping his smile up the best he could.

"I think so, though I'll have to convince Jackson that a little brother or sister will be a better gift than a puppy," Pam said.

Jim shrugged, "You have six months, and you can be very persuasive."

Pam lifted a brow and gave him a smirk (which he always relished in) then turned to receive congratulations from the rest of the table. Jim watched her for a moment before turning his attention to the macaroni salad on his plate.

After getting things cleaned up after lunch, and kicking a soccer ball around with Mason and the other older children, Jim made his way to the park playground where Pam was on a bench in the shade. Across the way, Will and Karen were chatting and pushing Jackson and Maria in their swings.

"I'm really glad you were able to make it, Pam," Jim said, taking a seat by Pam.

"It was really nice, and it's nice to have Jackson had someone to play with," Pam said. "Hey, so before I forget, I got a couple pieces into Pratt's alumni show. The opening is August 26th and you guys are invited of course."

"Great, yeah, I'll tell Karen and we'll plan to come down," Jim said slipping his phone out of his pocket, "August 26 you said?"

Pam peared over to his phone, "Yeah, the last Friday." When Jim closed his calendar app, the date appeared in big letters on the screen. "Oh, that's funny," Pam said softly. Jim asked what and Pam motioned to the phone, "It's just, today is June 10th."

"Yeah?" Jim said, his brows meeting.

"Just, 10 years ago..."

"Oh..." Jim said quietly. "To think you could have been celebrating 10 years of being Pamela Anderson today." he said a little lamely, but he was pleased it still got a chuckle from Pam.

"Yeah, to think of all the Michael jokes I missed out on," Pam said.

"Where did he end up again? Arizona?" Jim asked. Neither he nor Pam had had much to do with Dunder Mifflin after it was sold and reorganized under a company called Sabre several years ago.

"Colorado," Pam said. "Who would have thought he'd ever leave Dunder Mifflin?"

"Without getting fired? Literally no one," Jim said and Pam laughed.

"Funny how things turn out," Pam said, she looked down at her hand, resting next to Jim's. She started in a low voice, "Ten years ago today I was pretty sure I wasn't going to ever see you again. That upset me more than anything that day."

Jim lifted his head, her slightly shiny green eyes meeting his own. "That ... that's one of those little changes I wish I could go back and make."

Pam's eyes widened slightly, they had never really talked about that night in her Pratt dorm. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement that it was better to act as if it hadn't happened, and that nothing good could come of Will or Karen, especially Karen, knowing about it.

"But I guess you can only focus on now, and now we're friends, who will always be there for each other," Jim said with a half-grin. Pam seems a little relieved when she breathed out, and she returned Jim's smile and gave Jim's hand a quick squeeze.

"Mommy, look!" Jackson called as he came running across the playground, Maria, Will and Karen close behind. With everyone's full attention, Jackson squatted then rolled forward in a somersault.

"Oh my gosh, Jackson!" Pam said with a clap.

"I can too, I can too!" Maria said, tucking her head and rolling forward more slowly, still clutching Kitty in her hand.

"Yay, Maria!" Pam said with a laugh.

Maria trotted over to Pam, "Mama says there's a baby in your tummy."

Pam smiled down to Maria, "Yes, there is, the baby is very tiny right now, but it's getting bigger and will be ready to come at Christmas."

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Maria said.

"We don't yet, but we'll love the baby no matter what." Pam leaned forward a bit and spoke in a low voice, "But I'm hoping it's a girl just like you."

Maria giggled, and skipped over to Jim, "Papa, can I play with the baby at Christmas?"

"Oh, sweetie," Jim said, pulling Maria up onto his lap, "I think the baby will be too small to play then, but we can get the baby a present, may get the baby a Kitty also?"

Maria nodded and turned to Pam, lifting up the stuffed animal now dusted with sand. "We'll get the baby a Kitty at Christmas."

Pam giggled and reached out to pat Kitty on the head, "The baby will love it." She looked up to Jim and gave him a smile.

It was funny how things turned out, Jim thought for the rest of the picnic and drive home. Ten years ago this day he was also sure he never would see Pam again nor did he really want to. And now here they were, with their separate families forming and growing. Yes there was still an occasional twinge in his chest, the intermittent "what if" thoughts. Still, seeing her smile and hearing her laugh, it may not be how he pictured Pam being in his life, but it was what he had now. And he was okay with that.

* * *

 _for more JAM please visit us at mttjustonce dot net_


	4. Is it too late to remind you

**4\. Is it too late to remind you how we were?**

 _(In this scenario, we'll be following canon more or less through S3, except Pam and Roy married. Dunder Mifflin hold it's first company picnic in 7 years... p.s. This chapter has been slightly edited to stay in the T rating, if you'd like to read the M rated version, you can at mttjustonce dot net)_

* * *

"And then the teacher let go and I didn't even sink, Mommy."

"That's amazing, sweetie," Pam said to her phone, her wet-haired daughter on the screen. "You will have to show me next time."

"Now we're gonna go to grandma's for dinner, right, Dad?"

"Yes, but you gotta eat all your veggies tonight if you want ice cream." Pam heard Roy's voice say.

"You didn't make me eat them all last night and I still got ice cream," Sophie said.

Pam giggled as the screen quickly spun around. "You trying to get me in trouble with your mother, kiddo?" Roy said, his brows knitted at Sophie. His eyes went to the screen, "We have a fish for a daughter, Pammy."

"Who apparently can't keep a secret," Pam replied.

Roy laughed, his dimples in full view. "How's the retreat?" he asked.

Pam peeked around the building to the crowd of people in bright colored tee-shirts gathered around a sand court. "It's the final volleyball match between Nashua and Rochester, we got knocked out in the last round."

"Bummer," Roy said. Sophie started whining about being hungry and Roy rolled his eyes. "Alright, we better go. Oh, and um, Happy Anniversary."

Pam blushed a little and put on a smile, "Happy Anniversary, Roy." Her smile faded once the screen went black and she circled the building.

The company retreat had been fun but she was ready to head home, take a bath and enjoy a quiet evening with some wine and some Netflix. She wandered a bit away from the main crowd down a tree-lined path, then froze when she saw him on a bench in his kelly green "Dunder Mifflin New York" tee-shirt, his thumbs texting rapidly on his phone.

The Stamford branch merged with Scranton not six months after she married, and he returned with a new title and a new girlfriend to a different desk and a different attitude towards her, terse and distant. A few short months after that he interviewed for corporate and transferred to New York to take over Jan's job. She went over countless scenarios in her head of how to confront him, tell him that just because she was married didn't mean they couldn't be friends, didn't mean she didn't care about him. But at his "going away/congrats on the corporate job" party, she couldn't bring herself to do it, only giving him a smile and a "Good Luck".

Jim would visit the Scranton branch every few weeks, and with each visit the ice cracked a little; the smile he greeted her with became bigger, their chit-chat started to feel more like the banter of years past. She was worried they'd have a setback once she couldn't hide her growing belly anymore, and his eyes did immediate drift down and his smile faded slightly when she stood to greet him one day. "I suppose it's time to tell you about little Michael Scott," she deadpanned and he looked horrified before bursting out into laughter and offering his congratulations.

A few months later Sophia Marie Anderson was born. Jim sent a board book about a hedgehog along with a hedgehog stuffed animal. Roy asked what was up with the hedgehog theme. Pam suppressed a smile, remembering a few years back when she was obsessed with the cuteness of hedgehogs, doodling them on sticky notes and sticking them to Jim's faxes. "No idea," she said.

Jim was canned with the rest of the New York office during the Sabre mess, becoming the manager of sales or distribution or something somewhere in New York. When David Wallace became the head of Dunder Mifflin again, Jim was quickly brought back as a VP. But there had been whispers about him all day during the picnic; that he and Karen finally split after years of being off-and-on, that he was investing in some start up in Philadelphia and was probably going to jump ship at any moment.

It took every ounce of courage she had to walk up and sit by him. "Hey."

Jim looked up from his phone and gave her a smile. In many ways he had changed so much; at some point his face matured and he went from boyish and cute to just downright good-looking. He also clearly put far more effort and money into his hair. But he smiled and he was still that lanky, floppy haired salesman she met so long ago, that she rejected so long ago.

"So, there are a lot of rumors floating around about you," Pam blurted out. He gave her a 'yeah?' and she nodded. "Yeah about Karen and some start-up in Philly."

"Well, typically I'd say don't believe the rumors but..." he gave her a shrug. "How's Sophie doing?"

She felt silly that him knowing her daughter's name made her blush. "She's doing okay, it's been a tough year for all of us, but her grades are good, she's taking swimming lessons this summer."

His brows rose in worry, "Tough year, huh?"

"Yeah, um," Pam lifted her left hand, showing off her ring-free finger.

Jim's eyes widened and Pam was sure she saw a small smile before he restrained himself, "Wow, when - when did that happen?"

"We separated last fall, and the divorce came through last month." She nodded, "It's okay though, Sophie's been great, and Roy's been great too actually. I think we're turning out to be better as friends than we ever were as a couple."

Jim nodded, "Yeah that's kind of the same with me and Karen."

A bell rang in the distance and someone on a megaphone announced that raffle prizes were about to be doled out. Pam turned to Jim and smiled, "Ooh, raffle prizes!"

"Yeah, trust me, they are not worth getting excited about," Jim said in his sardonic tone. They laughed and he cast his gaze down, nervously playing with his phone, "Hey, um, do you..." He looked up at her, a look that reminded her an awful lot of ten years ago in the Dunder Mifflin parking lot, and her heart jumped into her throat. "Do you wanna get out of here?"

She took a shaky breath before smiling and nodding, "Yeah, I do."

"Okay." The smile broke out on his face, "Great." He stood and reached out his hand to help her up, and she wondered if she was just imagining that he held her hand a beat longer than needed. They walk down the gravel path to the parking lot. "Your car here or...?" he asked.

Pam shook her head, "Drove up with Meredith." She looked back at the distant group of bright colored shirts and khaki shorts, "Should we tell someone we're leaving?"

Jim shrugged, unlocking his car and opening the door for Pam. "Doesn't matter, I'm about to leave this company anyway."

* * *

It was amazing how easy it was with him, Pam thought as they made their way down the narrow, wooded roads back to Scranton. She had barely seen him for years but he kept tossing her smiles and making her laugh and it was easy to feel like they were good friends again.

They stopped at a Calabria's Pizza in Dunmore, Jim telling Pam the small, quaint restaurant was his favorite growing up. Once they were on their last slice of pizza and had thoroughly discussed how a Dwight Scrute-run company picnic would go, complete with event names (the three legged race would likely become the "Blitzrunnen", Pam decided) and raffle prizes (it would definitely still have eyes, Jim said), a buzz came from Pam's phone.

Laughing, Pam checked the message from Roy, mostly to make sure it had nothing to do with Sophie, then froze when a photo started to load. It was from the cake-cutting on their wedding day, them laughing with white frosting smeared on their faces. " _Despite everything, it's still one of the best days of my life,_ " the text below said.

"What is it?" Jim asked. Pam snapped her eyes up and said it was nothing and Jim tilted his head. "Not that I don't believe you, but your face definitely says otherwise."

Pam let out a soft scoff and shook her head, "Roy just sent me a photo from our wedding. Today is ten years-"

"I know," Jim said quickly and quietly.

Pam bit her lip and then handed her phone to Jim to let him read the text. "If I were meaner I would text back that it was hardly the best day of my life. He got drunk, shoved that cake in my face even though I told him a thousand times not to, and his brother's stupid toast-"

"But you're not meaner," Jim said with half-grin, setting the phone down.

"Not on purpose at least," Pam said in a weaker tone than intended, looking down when she saw his smile fade. "Hey, did you ever go to Sundae's Best as a kid?"

Jim's face instantly lit up. "Oh yeah, that was a summer basketball camp tradition, getting banana splits at Sundae's Best at the end of the week."

"I actually live right by there, maybe we can get ice cream?"

Jim said that sounded good and they drove across town to the small shop, which was packed with high school students and young families. Once they bought their ice cream and saw there was no place to sit, Pam suggested they just drive to her place.

Pam felt jitters she hadn't really felt since high school when Jim pulled up to the curb of her house. She handed Jim the banana split she had been holding and started on her own sundae.

"Oh yeah, still the best," Jim said with a mouthful of ice cream.

Pam smiled, "Did you ever hang out in that big lot next to the ice cream shop before they wedged a strip mall into there?"

"Ah, I thought something was different." Jim grinned, "Yeah, I hung out there, Becky McAllister let me get to second base there." Pam giggled and Jim looked at her with a smile and furrowed brows "What, you and Roy never macked in the Sundae's Best parking lot?"

"Never," Pam paused a moment and then smirked, "But Joe Davis and I did a few times the summer before junior year."

Jim nodded and grinned at Pam's revelation, "Nice! So what happened with Joey D?"

"Eh, not much more than the parking lot make-out sessions, we went back to school and he stared dating some senior girl ten seconds after he broke it off with me."

"More like Joey D-bag then?" Jim said. Pam laughed and nodded. "So," Jim kept his eyes on his sundae, "you tried dating at all or are there too many Joeys out there?"

Pam felt a tug at the corner of her mouth, telling herself not to read too much into Jim's inquiry. "Not really, my friends have dragged me to a couple group things. It's not a help that I have no real dating experience and I have a kid to consider." She took another bite and glanced over at him, "What about you, how's the New York dating scene?"

Jim chuckled, "I'm pretty over all things New York. New York crowds, New York prices, you know this banana split would be a hundred dollars in New York?" Pam laughed, and he cracked a smile, "I'm dead serious, you gotta drop a Benjamin to get a decent banana split in Manhattan."

"Drop a Benjamin?" Pam mocked, before a spoonful of ice cream fell off her spoon and onto her chin. She quickly cupped her chin and tried not to laugh while Jim fumbled around for a napkin to give her. "Oh my god, I'm messier than my eight-year-old," Pam said, her chin and fingers still sticky after wiping them.

"Yeah, get it together, Beesly," Jim joked.

She tried to ignore that her cheeks warmed at him calling her "Beesly" and gave him a shy smile, spotting a spot of fudge below his lip. "You have some too, Mr. Judgey, right here," she placed her finger under her lip.

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, completely missing the spot.

"No, no, here," she reached over with her thumb and placed it in the dip halfway between his lip and chin. She wanted to laugh at the fact that she was really just smearing it, but then her eyes met his, completely focused on her, his expression unreadable.

She pulled her hand away and smiled, "I just made it worse, we're going to have to get you to a faucet and some soap."

"I'm going to hope you have both those things in your house," Jim said, cracking a smile.

"I don't live on Schrute Farms, so I can confidently say yes." Pam retorted and Jim laughed. Before she could say anything else, Jim had jumped out and walked to the passenger side to open the door.

The nervous feeling returned as Pam stepped out of the car and dug for her keys in her bag. "You heading back to New York after this?" she asked shyly after a few steps.

"I don't know, there is a corporate-compted room back at the resort if I want it, but I gotta room with Kendall the HR guy," Jim said with a slight sneer.

"Tough choice," Pam replied when they reached the porch. She smiled a smile that faded as soon as she turned to unlock the door. Would he really just wash his face and go? She should offer him a drink or ... or something. She put on her smile again as she opened the door and motioned for Jim to step in, following not far behind.

She walked in a few steps to where Jim stood, "Um, bathroom is down the hall here." She looked to Jim, who had that unreadable expression on his face again before he mumbled 'thanks' and headed down the hall.

Once she hear the bathroom door latched, Pam let out a sigh, and then headed to the kitchen to wash her hands. She eyed the couple bottles of liquor she kept above the refrigerator, and she had any number of juices to mix them with. Maybe she should be presumptuous and just mix up drinks. He did sound annoyed about having to drive, maybe she could offer the spare room.

Maybe she should just kiss him.

The door creaked and he was already heading to the kitchen. So much for mixing drinks...

"So this is Chez Pam?" Jim said, looking around has he walked towards her.

"Yeah, I thought about downgrading after... but I can still swing the mortgage and Sophie's at a good school, so I decided to stay for now."

"I like it, looks like a nice place for you two," Jim said. "Definitely beats my broom closet in New York."

"You completely over your New York apartment?" Pam said with a smile.

"Definitely. I mean, it's fine for New York but still kitchen's too small to do much in, living room can comfortably seat no more than two, bedroom meant for a cot at most but I somehow managed to get a queen size in there. Might have to use a chainsaw to get it back out."

Pam laughed and opened the refrigerator, "Do you want anything to drink, I have milk, juice boxes, soda, those annoying little 8 ounce water bottles..."

"Tiny water bottle would probably be good for the ride," Jim said after a moment. Pam hid her disappointment that he wanted someone portable but managed a smile when she walked over and handed him the bottle. "Thanks," he uttered, picking at the label. "So, um, did you paint this?" he motioned to a framed painting in the entrance-way, a watercolor of Irish high stepper dancers.

"Yes, I was chosen a couple years ago to paint a mural at the Irish Culture center and that's the design I submitted."

"That's awesome, Pam," Jim said, and Pam couldn't believe she had almost forgotten about the rush she always felt when he complimented her art. "Next time I'm in town you'll have to take me by the finished product."

"Definitely," Pam said. She laced her fingers together and shyly looked to Jim, who has resumed picking the label on the water bottle.

Jim pointed over his shoulder, "I should, um..."

"Of course, of course," Pam said, purposefully taking her time to the door. When she reached it, she turned to him. "So... have you decided, New York broom closet or hotel room with HR guy?"

"Probably Poconos just because it's closer, neither option is terribly appealing though."

Pam laughed politely and started looking at her feet, "Maybe, if you want..." she said started quietly.

Jim's smiled faded and he studied her face. "Yeah?"

She hardly made eye contact as she walked a couple steps past him and motioned down the hall again, "Well, I mean, I have a spare bedroom, it's kind of cluttered but I can-" She turned back and the only thing in her field of vision was his bright green company shirt.

"What do you think I should do?" he asked in a low tone.

Pam looked up at him, her heart racing as he just watched her. She finally found the words, though her voice was no higher than a whisper. "I think you should stay."

He took another step forward, his eyes on her face as he set the water bottle down on the entry table. Her gaze fell onto his hand that he lifted slowly until it was stroking her cheek. His other hand went to her waist.

Their lips touched and it was just like it was a decade ago; soft, persistent in a gentle way. She opened her eyes when his lips left hers and her breath hitched when she saw his face, as vulnerable and tentatively hopeful as it was in that dimly lit office, when he silently asked her to be brave enough to love him back, when she broke both their hearts by saying she couldn't.

But now she could, and she showed him by putting her hands behind his ears (hair as soft as she remembered) and pulling his face to hers. If the first kiss was a sweet longing then this second kiss was pure want: his tongue slipping in her mouth easily, his hand spanning her back pulling her flush to him. She exhaled when his lips started moving down her cheek and jaw to her neck, and shivered a little when she felt his hand slipping up under her bright blue shirt to touch the bare skin of her back, toying with waistband of her shorts.

Her hands slipped out of his hair and softly pushed his shoulders away and he lifted his head, his breaths heavy. The worried look was back for a second, before Pam smiled slightly and took his hand and started walking to the stairs. She didn't look back at him until she had lead him into her bedroom, turning to take his hands in hers. He gave them a small tug and he's kissing her again, and now she's the one with her hands creeping up under his shirt and over the smooth, taunt muscles of his back. He broke the kiss for just a moment to pull his shirt over his head and tossed the green garment to the floor.

She had thought he looked a little broader and now she was face to face with his chest and could see he had definitely being hitting the gym, his shoulders broad and torso defined. His hands went to her hips, then under her shirt hem and he tugged the bright blue tee-shirt over her head.

The thought popped into her mind that she was wearing what had to be the least sexy bra in the world, beige and sweat-stained from the "team-building" activities at the retreat earlier. But she caught him looking at her, wetting his lips as his eyes traveled over her chest. His lips were on hers again and she felt his fingers against her back. Because brains and memories are awful things, she started to recall how Roy's bra removal skills seemingly never improved over their nearly two decades together. Thankfully, Jim did not have this problem and soon the unsexy bra was on the floor, his fingers brushing her ribs before making their way to the button of her shorts.

With her shorts and underwear pooled at her feet, she briefly felt a little intimidated, she wasn't in bad shape but there were several places that weren't nearly as firm as they were a decade ago, and certainly not as firm as he was. But after looking her up and down he shook his head, muttered "God," and crushed his lips to hers, his hands traveling down her back and back up. She slowly walked backwards until her mattress hit the back of her thighs and tore her mouth from his. Eyes on him, she sat down and started scooting back until she was reclined on the bed, and she watched his hands go to his belt.

Though she had been feeling pretty bold so far, out of shyness or something she only quickly glanced down once he was standing naked, but she snapped her eyes to his as he climbed up on the bed, nudging her legs apart with his knee. As they kissed, she shifted beneath him until his hips rested between her thighs.

He paused and looked at her, "You okay?" he asked softly. She took a couple breaths before nodding.

He held still for a moment, his heavy breaths in her ear, before starting to move, slow and deliberate at first, still giving her long, wet kisses. When he quickened the pace she reached up under his arms and gripped his shoulders tightly, her face in the crook of his neck. "I love you, I always have," she whispered against his skin, so quietly she was doubtful he heard. And that was okay, she was more admitting it to herself than anything.

Not much else was said, just heavy breaths and soft gasps until he collapsed on her. She stroked the damp hair at the nape of his neck while his breaths slowed and he lifted himself back up a little to rest his forehead on hers. "Say it again," he said, voice gravelly, "what you said just now."

Pam's heart was already racing and now she was sure it would beat out of her chest. "I love you. I ... I always have."

He reached up to cup her cheek, "I love you." He gave a small smile, "I never stopped loving you."

Pam's chin trembled despite herself and he leaned down, kissing the corners of her eyes where tears has started to bead. He rolled to his side and pulled her to his chest, stroking her hair and whispering, "it's okay" and "I love you" until Pam stopped shaking from her sobs.

"What do we now?" Pam asked after a few moments.

"Well hopefully we're going to do each other at least three more times this evening. Then I suppose sleep, then two more times tomorrow morning."

"Wow," Pam replied with a laugh.

"Just basically going until we can't anymore is my goal," Jim said.

"And what about after our wanton sex weekend?"

"Wanton Sex Weekend, I like it," Jim said with a grin that faded when he looked to Pam's worried eyes. He brushed a curl back behind her ear and stroked her cheek. "After that I'm not totally sure, but we'll figure it out." His green eyes searched her face, "I'm through with not having you in my life, Pam."

Pam smiled softly and lifted her face to kiss him.

* * *

"So, I have a question," Pam said, Jim on his back and her curled up to his side. She started to trail her fingers across his chest, "When exactly did this happen?"

Jim chuckled, "It's my Break-up Bod, Pam, can't you tell?"

"What's a break-up bod?" Pam laughed.

"You know, when you hate your job and your long term relationship is slowing yet painfully dying so you all you can do is start drowning your sorrows in either excessive booze or excessive exercising."

"Well I suppose I'm glad you chose exercising. it's still a little intimidating," she said quietly.

"First off, don't get used to this, it's not sustainable," he said, rolling to his side and propping himself on his elbow. "And second, you," he gently pulled the covers down and kissed her bare shoulder, "are," he moved down to kiss under her clavicle, "amazing," he kissed between her breasts.

Jim continued kissing down to her navel, his hand slipping up the inside of her thigh.

"So, Beesly," he said in a low, husky tone, "you ready to recommence Wanton Sex Weekend?"

Pam felt the corners of her lips curl up, "Absolutely I am."

* * *

For well over a year, Pam had been having a hard time falling asleep. Her mind would constantly swirl with worry, worry about the growing distance between her and the man she had been with for her entire adult life, worry she didn't have the strength to end it, worry about the effect of everything on her daughter. Worries about uncertainly of the future kept up her up until 1, 2, 3 in the morning, worries about her past mistakes kept her sleep shallow and uneasy.

Tonight she decided to push the worries to the back of her mind as well as she could, and focus instead on Jim asleep with his arm around her, on his hand warm and enveloping hers, on his breath soft and steady on her neck.

Within a few deep breathes, she fell asleep.

* * *

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